pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris. When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die. We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one. Chuck Norris bites the hand that feeds him�and eats their entrails. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A Chuck Norris a day kills. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg. When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska. Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun. Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin. Chuck Norris invented the apple. Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade. Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you. Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow. P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet. Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral. Chuck Norris' paradise is war. Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis. Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond. Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time. Chuck Norris can kick start a car. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage. Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed. Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris. As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only. Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat. Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold. Chuck Norris speaks in all caps. Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years. Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots. Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back. Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 NOTE!!!!!! ALL OF THESE FACTS ARE FROM http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com. Amazing website check it out!! [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Constinator25 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 -Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eyedrops. -If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. -Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. The pilot is bound only by his mind and his machine. We must expand the mind before we expand the machine, and by expanding the mind, we may expand the machine. Our mind is being expanded by the sim. It is not a game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Constinator25 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 -A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated. -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. -If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. -A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. The pilot is bound only by his mind and his machine. We must expand the mind before we expand the machine, and by expanding the mind, we may expand the machine. Our mind is being expanded by the sim. It is not a game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Constinator25 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 -Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. -A solar eclipse is the result of the sun accidentally making eye contact with Chuck Norris. I made these up. You may have heard of these before. Just know, I am the origonal creator. -Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest. -Chuck Norris once told a Chuck Norris joke and everyone died laughing. -Chuck Norris doesn't mow his grass. He stands in his yard and stares at it until the blades of grass shrink in fear. The pilot is bound only by his mind and his machine. We must expand the mind before we expand the machine, and by expanding the mind, we may expand the machine. Our mind is being expanded by the sim. It is not a game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either. [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedmond Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Chuck Norris Once managed to break the speed of light in 67 Ford with no engine [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] Peerhoven VA Site : http://peerhovenair.webs.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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