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Welcome Aboard: Worldflight 2016 By Bill Smith (6 December 2016) It's like a dream sequence from a movie: 45 flights over 7 days of complex cockpit procedures, unfamiliar airports and rapid-fire radio communications. This is a first-hand account of it's really like to be a member of an official Worldflight team. It has to be every flightsim fanatic's fantasy: to be one of a crew of nine sim pilots whose mission is to fly a highly realistic, full scale 737-800 cockpit simulator in a "tag team" effort, around the world in just one week, but what is it really like? Well it's an absolute blast of course, but it's also disorienting and tiring. Waking up to early morning alarms and adjusting to international time zones takes its toll. By the middle of the week, brain function diminishes and mistakes are inevitable. Before I go into detail however, I'll give you a very brief overview of the cockpit simulator, the crew members and the Worldflight route for 2016. Worldflight Perth Teams Worldflight Perth Teams: Comprising two authentically replicated full-scale Boeing cockpit simulators, located several suburbs apart in Perth, Western Australia. "VOZ738" is based on the 737-800NG and "Giant1471" is based on the 747-400. Both are privately owned, non-commercial fixed-based simulators. The crew that I flew with is captained by Gwyn Perrett, the owner of the Boeing 737-800 simulator. Gwyn's passion for aviation drove him to build this highly-authentic cockpit simulator, first completed in 2014, just in time for November's Worldflight tour. For 2016, the 737 simulator experience has become even more immersive, with the addition of a 4.5 meter wide curved screen giving the crew a superb wide-screen view of the world beyond the cockpit windows. Given the fanatical level of detail that has gone into the building of the sim, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Gwyn, the owner of this home-built project, would be a fairly "intense" individual. You might imagine him to be a difficult person to deal with, perhaps exhibiting a lack of social skills bordering on a defective personality. But you'd be wrong! Having known Gwyn for 15 years, my own observation is that, throughout the build, Gwyn just approached every seemingly impossible aspect of the project with a calm determination, fuelled by his favorite brand of beer. Where necessary, he sought technical assistance from other enthusiasts who were keen to see him complete the build. When it was finished he was very happy to share the results of his labor with others who can truly appreciate what he's managed to achieve. This is one of the reasons that it was so easy for him to find eight other enthusiasts willing to front up for regular Monday night training; eager to commit to the discipline that's necessary to form an effective Worldflight crew. Worldflight Perth's 737 Crew (Callsign Velocity 738) Gwyn's 737 crew is comprised of nine individuals, each of us rostered to fly ten Worldflight sectors; five as first officer and five as Captain. (You do the math: 9 crew members in command of 5 flights = 45 sectors). 2016 was the third year that VOZ738 has operated as an official Worldflight team and the crew members for 2016 remain unchanged from 2015. We are all flight sim enthusiasts and our ages range from 25 to 59 (I am the oldest). Most of us have some real-world flying experience and some even have current pilots licence status. None of us, however, has ever flown an airliner. Each of us came to the team with different areas of special interest and levels of competence. I must admit that to begin with, my knowledge of 737-800 operations was gleaned entirely from flying the PMDG 737 add-on for FS2004, and until Worldflight 2014, I had no experience handling radio communications on the VATSIM network. (My flight training back in the 70s included radio communication of course, but we only ever switched between the tower and ground frequencies and I had never in my life filed a flight plan.) The holes in our crew's collective knowledge needed to be filled in with a training regime that aimed to bring us up to speed with correct radio procedures, flight planning, reading airport charts and, most importantly, dividing the duties of Captain and First Officer. All sim pilots reading this article are familiar with flightsim as a solitary pursuit, handling all aspects of airliner operations entirely on your own, at your home computer. To become an effective Worldflight team member, it is important that you abandon this "solo operations" technique and instead perform only the functions dictated by your position as Captain or F/O. We've now had three years to practice this and, all things considered, we have done really well. The fact is, no matter how we are paired up, we always complete each sector with the minimum number of "stuff ups" and we're pretty pleased about that. Worldflight route for 2016 The crew members all donated $300 to the Royal Flying Doctor Service for the privilege of flying as part of the team. We each nominated 10 preferred flights and waited on the result of a ballot. As luck would have it, I was awarded most of the flights that I wanted. By Sunday morning, November 6, we had Gwyn's hangar fully stocked with drinks and snacks and were as ready as we'd ever be. If you expect me to now give you a detailed account of all the places I flew into, you are out of luck. Sleeping in short bursts at odd times, crossing the international dateline and experiencing dramatic weather changes over the course of each day resulted in a perpetual state of disorientation for most of the Worldflight participants. (This is especially true for anyone of advanced age like me.) In all honesty, the details of the week of Worldflight are mostly a blur, but certain events stood out and I will try to recall them as best I can. Day 1: WF1601 (The first flight) Sydney Australia to Queenstown New Zealand. It's always a scramble to get route clearance from VATSIM on the first flight with more than 90 aircraft trying to leave Sydney all at the same time. This flight was captained by Gwyn Perrett with F/O Josh Cliff assisting. I made a point of being in the jump-seat* during the final phase of the flight because I knew that things would start to get hectic as we approached the top of descent. As anticipated, the VATSIM controllers refused permission for Velocity 738 to descend from our cruise altitude due to the overwhelming number of aircraft approaching NZQN, which demands a slow, steep approach through mountainous terrain. When Captain Gwyn Perrett was eventually cleared for initial descent, VOZ 738 was already 10,000 feet above our descent profile. As a result, like many other aircraft on this first sector, they were diverted to Dunedin and controllers were on hand to receive them there. *I used the term "jump seat" earlier but I should clarify: Gwyn Perrett's cockpit simulator has a row of three very comfortable ex Qantas 747 business class seats installed immediately behind the cockpit which provide visitors with an excellent view of the crew's operations. Day 2: WF1608 (My first flight as captain) Cold Lake, Canada to Duluth, Minnesota. Let the disorientation begin: Outside Gwyn Perrett's shed it's a warm spring afternoon while in the alternative reality of the simulator it's near-freezing night in Cold Lake, Canada. The thing that stuck me most during the final approach phase of this flight was that the nose of our aircraft was pointed away to the left of the runway as we "crabbed" forward toward the runway threshold. That's when I looked at the wind direction and strength shown on the navigation display and was a bit startled by what I saw. I looked over to my F/O Giles (the kid) Hacon and felt the need to confess to him that I'd never before landed in a 27 knot crosswind! I let the autopilot do its thing all the way down to the decision height before disconnecting it and kicking the aircraft straight with a bit of rudder upon touchdown. Day 3: WF1615. Santo Domingo to Bridgetown, Barbados I remember feeling hungry and unhappy at the prospect of missing lunch completely as I called for route clearance to TBPB. Once again, luck was on my side because we had a guest on board who had a surprise for us. He was a mad-keen flightsim fan, who had made a donation to the RFDS and was sitting behind us, observing operations. He watched us take-off and then, during the climb phase he broke out the takeaway pizza! It was very much appreciated by Captain Giles Hacon and his hungry F/O. Day 4: WF1619. Palmeira to Tenerife South I was scheduled to fly us out of here at 02:55 (Perth Time) but my F/O was a no-show. (We found out later that he's slept through his alarm). So even though Luke Bruce-Smith had just completed a 4 hour Atlantic Ocean crossing from Natal he volunteered to step in and assist me with this flight. WF1621. London (Gatwick) to Munich Acting as F/O for this flight, I called for clearance to EDDM and heard a term that I had not encountered in any previous Worldflight sector. Clearance told me "slot 0350" and I duly read that back to him without understanding what it meant. Captain Kirk Christie explained that it was the time (3:50 AM Zulu time), that we had been allotted for push-back from our gate. (Those British VATSIM controllers think of everything!) WF1622. Munich to Tivat, Montenegro This was a bonus sector for me. I was relaxing out on Gwyn's patio, thinking about the big lunch that Gwyn's wife was preparing for us for the three hour break that marks the half-way point for the week of Worldflight. Gwyn was scheduled to act as F/O for this flight when he received a message about a family matter that needed his urgent attention. The call came for me to stand in for him, which I was happy to do, unaware of the complex approach procedure that was to mark the end of this sector. Lucky for me Captain Thomas Dellenbach had meticulously planned this flight which made my job so easy. Thomas handled the visual approach between the hills like an expert. He had the added pressure of the entire 737 Worldflight crew watching him because everyone had gathered in the shed in anticipation of The Big Wednesday Lunch Event. Not only does Gwyn's wife Leonie put up with a crowd of Gwyn's mates invading her home for an entire week, she caters for them as well, which makes her one of those genuine sweethearts who only come along once a in lifetime. Day 6: WF1635. Kansai, Japan to Taipei, Taiwan At last, we were back in a time zone (GMT+9) that was similar to our local time and we'd be flying into daylight. This was only my second Worldflight sector with Captain Ken Brand and I was looking forward to another intense and interesting conversation, such as the one we'd had the day before, during our flight from Colombo to Delhi. However, as we were cleared to line up and wait for take-off clearance, the cockpit's Mode Control Panel died. It just went completely blank! I asked Captain Brand if we should clear the runway before attempting to address the issue, but he assured me that this was something that could be fixed "on the fly". We were cleared for take-off; thundered down the runway and into the air, headed for the first waypoint in the STAR. Just prior to entering the first low-altitude turn to the left, Captain Brand asked me to take the controls while he departed the cockpit to try to reconnect whatever piece of equipment had fallen off its mounting. I made contact with Departure Control and let them know that we had a technical issue that would prevent us from climbing higher than 14,000 feet. (The initial altitude that has been set on the MCP before it inconveniently died.) OK, so all I had to do was follow the flight director through a series of turns until we reached 14,000 feet. Then I lost the flight director! It just dropped out. I remained calm. I could still follow the track on the navigation display and I still had a working Rate Of Climb indicator. When we got to 14,000 feet, I just kept a slightly "nose up" attitude to maintain level flight. A few minutes later, Ken had the MCP running again, and I was able to inform Departures that we could now resume our climb to cruise altitude. The rest of the flight was uneventful if you don't count the fact that we had to change landing runways at the last minute when Captain Brand realised that our standard scenery set did not include the runway that we'd been allocated. Oh, and we somehow dropped off the VATSIM network during our final approach phase. Other than that, it went well. Day 7: WF1641. Denpasar, Indonesia to Alice Springs, Australia My final Worldflight sector for 2016 was also the best. With Jason Beringer acting as my F/O we departed WADD at 1:00 AM local time and soon became engaged in another fascinating conversation about life, aviation, family, aviation, politics and aviation. You have to understand that it's only Worldflight training nights that brings the crew members together. For the rest of the time we don't hang out together, so a 3 or 4 hour flight offers a rare opportunity for getting to know each other. Unfortunately, we were so engrossed in our early morning conversation that we failed to turn off the center fuel tanks when they were drained of fuel. More fuel was now being drawn from the left hand tank which created a noticeable imbalance. We had to address this by opening the cross-feed valve and shutting off the left hand fuel pumps but this is typical of the kind of mistakes that happen when we're over-tired. Our eastbound route took us ahead of our local time zone, into central Australian time. The dawn approach into the red dirt hills surrounding Alice Springs was spectacular. Jason jumped out of his seat to take some pictures as I flew an RNAV approach into runway 30. We landed at YBAS, exhausted but happy and ahead of schedule and I went home to catch up on my sleep. I returned to Gwyn's shed in the late afternoon to watch the final leg of Worldflight (WF1645) land back at Sydney. The 737 crew enjoyed a barbeque at which we were joined by the crew of the 747 team, headed by Greg Hateley. We celebrated the total amount of money raised jointly by both teams: AUD $7213. The whole 737 crew turned out in team colors to pose for a photo. I still can't quite believe my luck that I'm on this team, in fact I'd never even imagined that such an intensely solo pursuit such as flightsim could ever become a team sport. Let's face it, nerds enjoy their own company and tend not to join teams but I'm so happy I joined this one. Bill Smith YPPH therealbillsmith@iinet.net.au

On Tour With The World's Greatest FS Fanatics By Bill Smith (9 August 2012) The term "flight simulation" was the first that I ever typed into an internet search engine way back in 1997. I was astonished to discover back then how many web sites were dedicated to this pastime and how many smart and generous people there were who shared my passion for PC-based flying. I could not have foreseen then how I would come to be connected with these people or the welcome that I would receive when I eventually travelled half way around the world from my home in Australia to meet them in person. Our shared passion for flight simulation has taken me (and my long suffering family) to some of the most fantastic aircraft facilities in the world and we have been hosted by people who initially only knew me from email correspondence. In this article I'll share some of the experiences I have enjoyed and introduce you to some of the people who helped make it happen. Let's start at the beginning. Alastair Monk: United Kingdom / Duxford Aviation Museum When I first searched the forums at FlightSim.Com back in 1997, Alastair was one of the "gurus" on the FS98 forum, generously giving his time to answer questions from clueless people like myself who were struggling to ride the learning curve of this newest incarnation of the Microsoft Flight Simulator program. He and I have been emailing on a semi-regular basis since then and it was in 2003 that I put his name forward as a suitable candidate for "FS Flight Club International", a web site that was then in its infancy. He has been an invaluable member of that web site (www.toomuchfs.com) ever since. He is also a financial supporter of the Duxford Aviation Museum so when he learned that my wife and I would be visiting London for a few days in 2011, he arranged to pick us up from where we were staying in central London and take us to this most spectacular museum. Duxford is perhaps best known for its collection of warbirds and restoration projects. One such example is the "Sally B", a fully restored B-17 in flying condition that can be seen in operation in the U.K. on special occasions. It is the last B-17 still flying in Europe and during our visit Alastair was able to organize for me a personal tour of this aircraft. The author (left) on board the "Sally B" with Alastair Monk (right) Concorde at Duxford Duxford also features a great collection of decommissioned airliners such as the Comet, Viscount, VC-10 and even the Concorde. For someone who had never before been on board a Concorde it quite a shock for me to see just how confined the interior of this supersonic airliner really was. For a "first class" aircraft, it is simply not in the same league of comfort that we have come to expect from modern airliners such as the A380. We spent the best part of a day there and you can view a short movie about our visit at YouTube: Of course the best thing was having the opportunity to finally meet Alastair, a flightsim and aircraft enthusiast that I had been corresponding with for so many years. Tony Radmilovich And Ron Blehm: USA / Evergreen Aviation Museum And Boeing Future Of Flight Museum Both Tony and Ron are founding members of FS Flight Club International; Tony is a regular contributor to PC Pilot Magazine and you would have read many of Ron's articles here at FlightSim.Com. I'd been regularly corresponding with both of these guys since 2003, so when they learned that my family and I were planning to visit the west coast of the USA they put together a kind of "tag-team' effort to host us during Christmas 2009. We relaxed and enjoyed our week in the snow country of central Oregon and on the last night of our stay at Tony's house he introduced me to the concept of a "shared cockpit" flight in FSX (using two coordinated computers) that somehow went spectacularly wrong. The flight plan failed to load on one of the computers which resulted in us (me actually) circling around aimlessly for far too long trying to find a suitable alternative airport at which to land. After a while we decided that fuel had become a critical issue and so began a descent to the nearest airport. At the end of the flight both engines of our 737 flamed out due to fuel starvation as I flared out over the threshold of the runway. That's one simulated flight I'll never forget! The next day (Boxing Day) Tony drove me and my family all the way up to Portland to meet Ron Blehm and his family. Ron had arranged for us to all go and visit one of his favorite places, the Evergreen Aviation Museum at McMinnville. The scale of this place has to be seen to be believed and the variety of aircraft on display there is astonishing. The author (left) with Ron Blehm (center) and Tony Radmilovich (right) at Evergreen Boeing 747 in Evergreen Aviation livery There are examples of some of the earliest aircraft ever to fly right up to a Boeing 747 and everything in between. And when I say everything, I'm talking about some of the rarest aircraft that you'll ever see including the Howard Hughes "Spruce Goose", the Beechcraft Starship and the Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. You can get an idea of what's there by watching a short video of our visit: But Ron had one more place he wanted to show us and he drove us all the way to Seattle to see it. The Boeing facility at Everett Field was in the early stages of testing its new 787 aircraft and it was a rare privilege for us to stand in icy wind on the roof of the Future of Flight Museum and watch these brand new aircraft go through their paces. I made a movie of our visit there: But of course there was no filming or photography allowed inside the factory where we watched 787s and 777s being assembled. The guided tour was very detailed and the vastness of the interior of this factory is awe-inspiring! If you ever make it to Seattle, you must take a tour of this place. Geert Rolf: The Netherlands/ Someren Museum of Flight Simulation Geert Rolf was a crew member of FS Flight Club International until he found better things to do, but he still runs the web site, fixing up any glitches and generally adding his acerbic comments to the emails that flow between its members on a daily basis. Earlier this year, when Geert discovered that my wife and I would be sailing into the dock at Nijmegen in The Netherlands as part of our planned European river cruise he offered to not only meet up with us but to take me to somewhere very special. Link trainer at Someren at Evergreen Inside the Beech Baron simulator at Someren And so, while my wife was visiting the Floriade flower show at Venlo, I was whisked away by Geert to visit what may possibly be the only Museum of Flight Simulation in the world, at Someren. This is a small private concern that is packed with cockpit simulators. There is a Link trainer (picture above, left) which pre-dates by decades the computerized flight simulators with which we are all so familiar, and there is an ex-KLM A310 cockpit simulator that is currently being restored to "flying" condition. The simulator that I actually had an opportunity to fly is a Beech Baron (picture above, right). This once was a real aircraft that was decommissioned after a belly-up landing. After removing the tail and the wings, it was installed at the museum at Someren. So what was it like to fly? It was an absolute blast! You can watch a very short video of my visit here: Of course, before I met any of the guys I've talked about I first made the acquaintance of some FS fanatics much closer to home. One is Peter Stark, who writes for PC Pilot Magazine and who lives near to where the Busselton (YBSN) Air Show took place around 10 years ago, which was the occasion that he and I first arranged to meet in person. You may also have heard of Gwyn Perrett who is famous not only for building a 737 simulator in his own home but who now runs his own business making highly realistic cockpit simulator equipment for other FS enthusiasts around the world (www.aerosimsolutions.com.au). Indeed, I was visiting Gwyn's house one afternoon when one of his customers was there, having flown in from Thailand to take delivery of his very own A340 throttle quadrant. It has been a privilege for me to meet so many flight simulation enthusiasts from all around the world; to hear their stories and share our mutual interest. Take it from me, they are without doubt some of the most focused and most generous people you could ever hope to meet. Bill Smith YPPH leesmith@ca.com.au

"8 Days Around the World" 18 flights in 8 days By Bill Smith Historical flightsim adventure, finally adapted as a movie! See the trailer for the movie here: Background Back in 2001 I submitted to flightsim.com a rather long and breathlessly excited editorial piece which chronicled a "round the world" trip that was flown non-stop for 120 hours in FS98. Re-reading the article recently I was drawn back into the five-day period of relentless hit-and-miss global navigation and very little sleep as I jumped rapidly from one aircraft type to the next. What I lacked in knowledge and preparation back then was more than made up for with a boundless enthusiasm to discover exactly how much flight simulation was too much. My overriding memory of this five day period is how I survived in a kind of semi-hallucinogenic twilight existence right up until my FS time ran out when real world responsibilities came crashing back in on me. I have to admit, as exhausting as it was, it was fun while it lasted. Now of course I like to think that I have matured considerably since 2001, but the truth is that the astronomical advances in flight simulator technology over recent years have drawn me even deeper into the increasingly realistic world of simulated global flying. We all take for granted nowadays the integration of real weather systems and very precise trans-continental navigation over highly detailed terrain in our much improved flight sim programs. There is so much more complexity that we need to come to grips with but the resultant illusion of flight is more complete. So I wondered if it would be possible to somehow capture the essence of that marathon voyage using modern day hardware and software and present the story as a motion picture full of exciting flying sequences. A Few Ground Rules I thought that it was essential to fly the entire route incorporating the correct real world weather over eight sequential days. I would try as far as possible to fly to the same destinations as I had eleven years ago. Using present day air schedules of course it's no surprise to find the airlines' aircraft have changed. (No more shrieking 727s or scary DC-10s.) I definitely wanted to incorporate the mad parachuting sequence over Key West and to re-visit the half naked beach babes in Rio De Janeiro. (Perhaps I haven't matured as much as I thought I had). I figured that as my RTW attempt had ended prematurely in Hong Kong, I should start this voyage re-creation where I had left off, with a plan to arrive back at the start point one week later. The Movie Thanks to the huge assortment of FS add-ons that are available today, the flying sequences look sharp and the trip went far better than I ever anticipated. Also, thanks to a savage regime of editing, the pace of the finished movie is fast; perhaps even relentlessly so. This time around, in recreating this epic voyage I managed to reaffirm my natural place in the world; one step removed from reality. This is something that only other similarly addicted flightsim fanatics can relate to. Enjoy the movie at Youtube: 8 Days Around The World Part 1 8 Days Around The World Part 2 Bill Smith leesmith@ca.com.au

A Sociopath's Guide To Flight Simulation By Richard Burgess a.k.a. Bill Smith 7 June 2010 Part Three Reaching up to grip the front edge of my computer table, I hauled myself up from the floor of my study and collapsed into the swivel chair. Feeling decidedly woozy, I tried to focus on the 737 instrument panel on my screen. Still breathless, I fumbled with the keyboard to open up the Garmin GPS. I felt close to losing consciousness, as though I'd just been beaten up. I made a mental note to never again run up a ten storey stairwell. Peering at the list of waypoints in the GPS, I could see that my flightsim Boeing was just 51 nautical miles from Cairns Airport. My jet's descent from 33,000 feet was going to have to be incredibly rapid...like you would have to after suffering an explosive decompression. (A description which very neatly approximated the present state of my lungs!) I slowed the plane to just 200 knots and tuned the communications radio to the radio frequency. After making contact, ATC instructed me to descend to flight level 260 and turn to a heading of 060 degrees. With spoilers deployed, I descended at a hair-raising 6000 feet/minute. Fifteen minutes later my plane was parked at the gate and I reached for the phone to call the elevator company to tell them that their stupid contraption had stopped working again. I was ready to launch into a tirade of abuse as soon as someone picked up the receiver. However, I was unprepared for the fact that I was still hopelessly out of breath, so my words were wasted. I must have sounded like an obscene caller. The young lady at the other end of the line listened to my gasping and wheezing for just a few moments before saying 'Creep!', and slamming the phone down. I thought about going to lie on the bed for a while. I thought about it for a long time actually, but I couldn't get up out of my chair. So I sat there until Hannah arrived home from school. She bounded into my office and said breezily 'I had to run up the stairs 'cos the elevator's busted again.' She wasn't even breathing hard! Then she looked at me and said 'Dad! You look terrible!' Later, much later, we sat on the sofa and ate our micro-waved frozen dinners. I told her that her mum would now not be back until Sunday. She reminded me about playing golf with her friend Courtney this coming Saturday and then asked me if she could sleep over at Courtney's house Saturday night. I had no problem with that. Hannah finished her homework and I made a large pot of coffee. I still had seven more stops to go on my flight sim tour of Australia so I was going to be flying late into the night and into the early hours of Friday morning. If I could get to Perth by Saturday lunchtime, I might even do some touring of New Zealand before Laura got back on Sunday. Hannah shook me awake at 7:00 AM Friday. 'Are you going to work today Dad?' I had to think very hard. I had spent the previous evening flying the simulator, but how far had I got? I remembered landing at Mackay and Brisbane and then taking a trip inland to Longreach, home of the Qantas Museum. I could not remember what time I had crawled into bed. All I knew was that I felt exhausted. 'I think I'll catch the bus to school Dad. I don't think you're well enough to walk down ten floors to the car park' Hannah said. I decided to call in sick one more time, so that I could spend a relaxing day flying on to Sydney, Hobart and Melbourne. Then, in the evening, I planned to fly on to Adelaide, leaving just the return flight to Perth to fly tomorrow, thus completing my circumnavigation of the continent. As it transpired, my plan worked out reasonably well, except for one small detail. Some time after lunch on Friday, while my plane was flying itself on autopilot down to Hobart, I took my cell phone for a walk along the beach. (Lucky for me, the elevator had been fixed by then).As I strolled along the sand with the phone to my ear, I chatted with Laura, who had just completed her second day of golf with her new best friends David and Eliza Yo. I told her that I was feeling much better, and would be back to work on Monday. The problem was that, unknown to me; my flight-sim friend from the Department of Consumer Affairs had done his homework as promised and was at that moment ringing my home number to warn me about Utah Wholesome Health. When I got back home after my walk, I was too busy handling my approach and landing at Hobart to notice the flashing message light on my answering machine.I flew on to Melbourne before Hannah got home from school and still neglected to check for phone messages. That evening, after yet another takeaway dinner, I flew the short trip from Melbourne to Adelaide without incident and afterwards, for the first time in ages, I went to bed before Hannah. The next morning, Saturday, while Hannah was packing an overnight bag and organising her golf equipment, I was getting flight QF587 to Perth underway and up to cruise altitude. I knew I could leave the 737-800 on autopilot while I took Hannah and her friend Courtney to the golf course. I was already thinking ahead to where I might fly after lunch when I noticed the message light flashing on my answer phone. As I reached out to press the "play" button, Hannah called out to me from the entry hall 'Dad, come on, we'll be late for the tee-off!" So I did not play back the answer phone until 45 minutes later, when I returned from the golf course. It was a message left for me the previous afternoon. My heart sank when I heard the details. 'Richard, your instincts were right. The only reason that Utah Wholesome Health's stock price has soared is that the handful of big earners at the top of the pyramid have been systematically selling and re-purchasing their own shares to create the illusion of a stock boom. Also, every member of the so-called "independent" medical board is one of the top two percent earners in the recruitment scheme. And it gets worse! At least two of them have no medical qualifications at all. Just stay well clear of this company. Do not get involved with them! I immediately picked up the phone and dialled Laura's cell phone to relay the warning. Her phone was switched off. Of course! She would be in the middle of the sales seminar right now. I would try again later. In the meantime I focussed my attention on flying my flight simulator. I had no significant headwinds to worry about, so I would arrive at Perth (YPPH) with a surplus of fuel. When I was within range of the Perth ATIS broadcast, I learned that it was hot and windy in Perth. Instead of approaching Runway 03 as instructed by ATC, I elected to use Runway 06, as the prevailing winds were gusting in from the east. (A typical summer pattern for Perth). After the flight was completed, I tried to phone Laura again, but her cell was still switched off. I drove back out to the golf course, picked up Hannah and her friend and delivered them both to Courtney's house. 'See you tomorrow' I said as I got into the car to drive back home. By mid-afternoon I had not yet made contact with my wife, and I decided there was still time for one more jet flight to end my flight sim marathon before Laura returned home. I elected to fly from Christchurch in New Zealand to the picturesque resort town of Queenstown. It would only take an hour but the approach into Queenstown through the mountainous terrain would require my full attention. I suppose that my concern for Laura and the possibility that she might get sucked into a pyramid scheme distracted me from the task at hand. I should have paid far more attention to the amount of fuel that I took on board for the flight to Queenstown. After departing Runway 02 at Christchurch, I took the 737-200 to a cruise altitude of 26,000 feet. At a distance from the Slope Hill VOR of roughly 80 nautical miles, ATC instructed me to descend to 18,000 feet. Later, about 55 NM from Slope Hill, I was instructed to descend again to 10,000 feet, then to 7000 feet. The weather was clear so I cancelled IFR at 29DME from Slope Hill, and used my approach chart to fly between the mountain peaks for an approach into Queenstown's Runway 23. My speed was down to 140 knots as I banked right over Lake Hayes, and I could see the runway lights ahead. But then low cloud obscured the airport completely, so with no ILS, I had to make a missed approach. It took twenty minutes to climb out of the valley, then reconfigure for another approach. But I had the same problem on the second approach, so I had no choice but to divert to Invercargill, 90 NM to the south. I saw that I was low on fuel, but it should have been enough. There was no ATIS at Invercargill but at 30 miles out, I called the tower who advised me that the airport was closed to IFR traffic. I decided to come in anyway. With flaps out and gear down my fuel consumption during my low-speed approach must have been colossal! At 200 feet above the runway, I could not see it through the fog, so I had to go around and try again. I hoped that I had enough fuel for one last approach. On the second approach into Invercargill the phone started to ring but I had to ignore it and focus on the task at hand. 400 feet...300 feet...200 feet, the answering machine kicked in and I heard Laura's voice. 'Richard, this morning's seminar was real eye-opener' I tried desperately to block out what she was saying and concentrate on peering through the fog over the runway. She continued... 'Starting today, I'm a distributor for Utah Wholesome Health! I bought twelve business centres! David and Eliza reckon that with their help I'll have a thriving business by this time next year. I'm staying at the airport hotel tonight, catching flight JQ400 first thing tomorrow. I'll be at Coolangatta airport by 8:00 AM. I'll tell you all the details on the drive home. I'm so excited...see you tomorrow! Blinded by the fog over Invercargill as well as the rage I felt that these two con-artists from Sydney had signed Laura into their wretched scheme without consulting me, I barely even noticed the sound of the engines of my 737 winding down as I attempted to climb away after a second missed approach. The fuel tanks were empty and the plane plummeted and crashed. I couldn't believe it. I never crash! Now perhaps I could be accused of taking my flight sim a little too seriously, but all I knew right at that moment was that someone had to pay for what had just happened. The exact details of what occurred over the next few hours are a little hazy, but I can tell you that the internet is a wonderful tool for tracking down private addresses and booking last minute air tickets. I remember little of the 50 minute drive from Broadbeach to Brisbane Airport. I don't remember the flight number of the trip down to Sydney but I do remember that the aircraft was a 767-200. We landed on Runway 34R and it was a very long taxi to the terminal but I can't remember the gate number. I had no luggage to claim, as I only brought one change of clothes with me in a small carry-on bag. The car I rented from the airport was a grey Ford. (In spite of my state of extreme agitation, I had the presence of mind to choose a completely non-descript vehicle for what I was about to do). I don't recall how long it took me to drive up to North Ryde but it was quite dark by the time I arrived there. I walked four streets from where I parked to David and Eliza Yo's house. Just like its owners, the fancy facade of number 33 was masking something that was really quite vulgar. Now what was I going to do? Well, as luck would have it, the garage door opened automatically as a gold Honda pulled into the driveway. Acting on instinct and driven by adrenalin I just followed the car into the garage and stood to one side, in the shadow of a storage locker. Even from behind, the driver and his passenger looked smug as they stepped out of the car and went through the connecting door into their house. I followed them silently, pausing only briefly to slide a 5 iron from a golf bag propped up near the door. I gripped the handle tightly. They switched on the light in the living room, and Eliza waved a cheque in the air triumphantly. It was a cheque for $1360 dollars with Laura's signature on it. 'We did it!' were the last words that Mr & Mrs Yo ever uttered. Quietly, I stepped from the shadows and smiled as I introduced myself. 'I'm Richard Burgess; Laura's husband... Remember me?' The force of the head of a golf club when it hits its target never fails to impress me. Well what do you know? Hannah was right; you really can crack someone's head open with one of these things! And the arc of the backswing after the first blow made a beautiful blood pattern on the living room wall! The End Richard Burgess a.k.a. Bill Smith leesmith@ca.com.au