The lighter side of ATC

[sailor]

Since the couple of posts concerning aviation jokes has inspire me to quote from my radio-liscence handbook.Note the setting is in South Africa.

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A pilot asked to fly a racecourse pattern, to keep him away from other tdraffic proceeded towards Kenilworth racecourse.

Another pilot flying a small aircraft from an internationl airport, wanted to sace some time and wished to depard from Echo intersection. When he requested taxi he added:"...and can I hace Echo intersection, please. "Whereupon Tower replied:"As long as you give it back."

A student pilot requested "Taxi to the General Flying Area". The controller advised him that it would be easier to fly there.

Another student pilot, still a little bit tongue-tied on the radio said hesitatingly: "Alpha Bravo Charlie, Malan Tower is ready for departure". The controller replied: "I hope not".

A pilot flying a Chieftain on a Red Cross mercy flight was asked by the controller: "Say heading and altitude". Back comes the reply: "heading and altiitude"

Another pilot was asked: "How do you read?" - He replied: "Read you tener"

A pilot reporting "On top of D", heard from the controller: "I hope she's nice"

Somebody was ready for departure and told the controller with the words: "Request your departure". The controller replied: "I can't leave the Tower right now"

Another pilot giving his ETA as: "Estimate yours at 12'' was asked: "Where 'yours' - I can't find it on my map."

A female student, not quite sure about flight levels and altitudes, reported her vertical position as 'flight level two five zero zero'. A boeing 737 captain, on the same frequency, drily remarked: "Space Shuttle doesn't take female pilots". (This was a while ago!)

A SAA flight makes first contact with the tower controller on arrival and is told: "Springbok 123, be advised there are holes in the runway near echo intersection. The runway will be closed after you have landed." - after a few seconds of silence comes the captains reply: "Okay, then we'll request runway 16 for landing." Tower answeres with a decidedly sulking undertone: "Springbok 123, runway 16 is approved, position final 16. But we DID keep the runway open extra for you!"
"
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I also found these comments made over the PA system in an old march 2003 issue of World Airnews that I found very amusing. Some of you might recognize them as I have posted it probably a year or so back.

"
Airline attendant during a safety demonstration: "There may be 50 wasys to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airlpane..."

Stewardess after a hard landing: "We ask you please to remain seated while captain kangaroo bounces us to the terminal building"

After another hard landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the terminal gate"

And after yet another: "Please remain in you seats while captain crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching half up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal"

Announcement made while taxiing to the terminal: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride"

During a safety demonstration on the use of oxygen masks: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with his. If you are travelling with two small children...decide which one you love more"

Pilot on the intercom: "The weather at our destination is 30 degreess with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember...nobody loves you or your money more than this airline."

Pilot heard over the loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa big fella. WHOA!!"

Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it!"
"
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I trust the above while at least induce a chuckle. I found it fairly amusing anyway.

Happy flying

[pilotboy1985]

This happened in St. John's once.

A student pilot was going up with an instructor early in the morning for some circuit work. while flying left downwind, the students' seat belt came out, and would not go back in. The instructors mike was stuck, and this was broadcasted over the air
(female instructor, male student)
"Push it in... Harder. wiggle it about a bit while pushing in. that's it...almost!...YES! "
an Air Canada in the circuit then came on and said
" Kinda early for that, isn't it?"

Tower cracked up, along with the other jets in the circuit. It was priceless.

[FITZY]

Eastern 190 to tower:
"Tower, be advised there's some sort of dead animal on runway 22."

Tower:
"Delta 100, did you copy Eastern 190?"

Delta 100:
"Affirmative. We've already notified our caterers"