We Can All Use A Laugh From Time to Time

**DT671** · 08-21-2002, 07:21 PM

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (NOTE: "P" stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log and "S" for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined aircraft; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly.)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten-up, fly right and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

May a smile be your umbrella; just don't get a mouthful of rain!

**TheCrazedLog** · 08-21-2002, 09:17 PM

Yeah these are old, but they still make me laugh :)
Note: I dont think they are from Qantas. Ive heard they are from military squadrons too. No one really knows where they are from methinks :)
There is another one:

Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.

Some radio transmissions:

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."

And the McDonneled Douglas Rego Card:

http://www.schiratti.com/mdcwarranty.html

Anthony

**Blowhole** · 08-21-2002, 09:47 PM

My favorite signoff I used was

"Changed the Nut behind the yoke...Ops checked good" or
"Replaced Yoke seat coupler discrepancy no longer exists"
Ken

3 Things in Aviation you can't use: Runway behind you, Altitude above you, and fuel you left in the truck!
The Difference between God & a Pilot: God doesn't think he is a Pilot!:-wave