Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

mikeymcc · 12-11-2002, 11:26 PM

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Dec-11-02 AT 11:34PM (EST)[/font][p]What do you say?

Can you find something in that vast collection you referred to?

edit: If I haven't said it to you before, I'll say to you now what I said to Saudi_777: "Just because we may be mortal enemies, it doesn't follow that we can't enjoy one another's company."

Mike

**cookie99** · 12-12-2002, 01:59 AM

Absobloodylutely!

Silicon Valley Hillbillies

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if you work on a computer."

Windows, that is... PCs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

And You Thought YOU Were Computer Illiterate

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and
heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

http://www.flightsim.com/dcforum/Use...470134565a.jpg

**jedster1** · 12-12-2002, 03:29 AM

oh, so you two are friends now and you're starting on ME??

and about that "old" remark. i'll be in touch with my attorney.

:-lol

fly inverted, the view is better!!.............. jed

**cookie99** · 12-12-2002, 03:34 AM

And for the swaying Christians amongst us.

Is There Really a Santa?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
Santa has seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa
doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children,
that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an
average of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works
out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop
out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get
back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly
(which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will
accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of
751/2 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means Santa's
sleigh is travelling at 650 miles per second. 3000 times the speed of
sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS: the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.

4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could
pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9.
We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the
sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth 2.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a space craft
re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 QUINTRILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they
will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of
reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force
of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.

6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now.

http://www.flightsim.com/dcforum/Use...470134565a.jpg

**cookie99** · 12-12-2002, 03:36 AM

And for you old jedstar

IF LAWYERS ARE DISBARRED AND CLERGYMEN DEFROCKED...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,
eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be
debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered,
bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered,
software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and
even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note
though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

http://www.flightsim.com/dcforum/Use...470134565a.jpg

**jedster1** · 12-12-2002, 03:39 AM

bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!! stop it!! i'm dyin' here!!

:-lol :-lol :-lol

fly inverted, the view is better!!.............. jed

mikeymcc · 12-12-2002, 05:01 AM

Spies could decode.

mikeymcc · 12-12-2002, 05:20 AM

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Dec-12-02 AT 05:36AM (EST)[/font][p]Reply to #2 ...

Cookie and I have been friends from the first moment I realized that he had volunteered to fight alongside my favorite auto mechanic, who along with so many others disappeared from the face of America only to reappear in a far-away jungle, forced to kill or be killed.

"I don't have no quarrel with them Viet Congs"

Cassius Clay, 1964?, today known as Muhammad Ali, who gave up his career and went to jail as the first visible opponent of that stupid, pointless war. A man who, even though Heavyweight Champ, refused to take human life.

I believe pacifism is misguided, but those who practice it the right way earn my deepest admiration.

edit: I do apologize for the humor-to-seriousness hijack. And now, back to the show ...

**jedster1** · 12-12-2002, 09:32 AM

<Cookie and I have been friends from the first moment I realized that he had volunteered to fight..........>

i knew that. i thought we were ALL friends in here. sure, there's some passionate disagreement on some topics, yelling and name-calling even, but i've never believed that we weren't all friends in here, even when someone has gone so far as to say "you're not my friend".

i do think that sometimes some people's emotions get the better of them for a short time, but for the most part things get worked out. i've watched many times while people's intellects got the better of their emotions.

as far as pacifism goes, i've lived the violent way. i wasn't a nice guy. i won't regale you with stories of my past, but i've done my bit for my country, carried and used weapons, and hurt people who i believed were guilty of one act or another. that changed for reasons i won't go into in a public forum. the bottom line is that i don't want to hurt people any more. if that makes me a pacifist then so be it. i never give it much thought any more.

you can call me names in here, make sport of my short-comings, make me the butt of a joke, tell me that you think i'm mis-guided, even stupid. none of that will incite me to violence. or hatred. not even anger. if something really pisses me off i can always resort to the log-out feature! :-lol i swear i've never used it in anger, though.

today, only coming onto my property with the intent to hurt someone i love will get me angry enough to hurt you. in fact, it will get you killed. that makes me a lousy pacifist, doesn't it?

geeeeeez, i dislike being serious.............. jed