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Thread: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

  1. #1
    mikeymcc Guest

    Default Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Dec-11-02 AT 11:34PM (EST)[/font][p]What do you say?

    Can you find something in that vast collection you referred to?


    edit: If I haven't said it to you before, I'll say to you now what I said to Saudi_777: "Just because we may be mortal enemies, it doesn't follow that we can't enjoy one another's company."

    Mike

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
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    Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    Absobloodylutely!

    Silicon Valley Hillbillies

    Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
    A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
    But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
    Who said, "they pay big bucks if you work on a computer."

    Windows, that is... PCs... Workstations...

    Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
    The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
    They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
    So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

    Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

    On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
    Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
    They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
    Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

    OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

    The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
    Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
    They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
    The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

    Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

    Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
    Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
    Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
    Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

    Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

    Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
    Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
    So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
    Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

    Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

    Y'all come back now... ya hear'


    And You Thought YOU Were Computer Illiterate

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
    "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
    "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
    was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
    to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
    complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
    from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and
    heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
    customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
    typewriter to type the labels.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
    floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
    the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
    getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
    computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
    the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
    paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
    the "send" key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
    a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
    me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead
    was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
    me to find a couple of geeks."

    8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
    no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
    soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
    all the keys and washing them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
    enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
    invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
    and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
    get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
    was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
    pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
    this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
    to be the computer's mouse.

    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
    brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
    unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
    something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
    the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
    period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
    I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
    at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
    Does it have any trademark on it?"
    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
    promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
    couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
    CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!








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  3. Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    oh, so you two are friends now and you're starting on ME??

    and about that "old" remark. i'll be in touch with my attorney.

    :-lol


    fly inverted, the view is better!!.............. jed

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    And for the swaying Christians amongst us.

    Is There Really a Santa?


    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species
    of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
    and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
    Santa has seen.


    2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa
    doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children,
    that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an
    average of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
    presumes there's at least one good child in each.


    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to time zones
    and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works
    out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian
    household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop
    out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
    remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get
    back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house.


    Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly
    (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will
    accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of
    751/2 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means Santa's
    sleigh is travelling at 650 miles per second. 3000 times the speed of
    sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space
    probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS: the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.


    4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming
    that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds),
    the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa, who is invariably
    described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
    than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could
    pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9.
    We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the
    sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of
    the Queen Elizabeth 2.


    5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
    resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a space craft
    re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
    14.3 QUINTRILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they
    will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of
    reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
    team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
    meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force
    of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
    4,315,015 pounds of force.


    6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now.





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  5. #5
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    Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    And for you old jedstar

    IF LAWYERS ARE DISBARRED AND CLERGYMEN DEFROCKED...

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
    electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
    deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,
    eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be
    debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered,
    bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered,
    software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and
    even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note
    though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.





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  6. Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!! stop it!! i'm dyin' here!!

    :-lol :-lol :-lol

    fly inverted, the view is better!!.............. jed

  7. #7
    mikeymcc Guest

    Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    Spies could decode.

  8. #8
    mikeymcc Guest

    Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Dec-12-02 AT 05:36AM (EST)[/font][p]Reply to #2 ...

    Cookie and I have been friends from the first moment I realized that he had volunteered to fight alongside my favorite auto mechanic, who along with so many others disappeared from the face of America only to reappear in a far-away jungle, forced to kill or be killed.



    "I don't have no quarrel with them Viet Congs"

    Cassius Clay, 1964?, today known as Muhammad Ali, who gave up his career and went to jail as the first visible opponent of that stupid, pointless war. A man who, even though Heavyweight Champ, refused to take human life.


    I believe pacifism is misguided, but those who practice it the right way earn my deepest admiration.


    edit: I do apologize for the humor-to-seriousness hijack. And now, back to the show ...

  9. Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    <Cookie and I have been friends from the first moment I realized that he had volunteered to fight..........>

    i knew that. i thought we were ALL friends in here. sure, there's some passionate disagreement on some topics, yelling and name-calling even, but i've never believed that we weren't all friends in here, even when someone has gone so far as to say "you're not my friend".

    i do think that sometimes some people's emotions get the better of them for a short time, but for the most part things get worked out. i've watched many times while people's intellects got the better of their emotions.

    as far as pacifism goes, i've lived the violent way. i wasn't a nice guy. i won't regale you with stories of my past, but i've done my bit for my country, carried and used weapons, and hurt people who i believed were guilty of one act or another. that changed for reasons i won't go into in a public forum. the bottom line is that i don't want to hurt people any more. if that makes me a pacifist then so be it. i never give it much thought any more.

    you can call me names in here, make sport of my short-comings, make me the butt of a joke, tell me that you think i'm mis-guided, even stupid. none of that will incite me to violence. or hatred. not even anger. if something really pisses me off i can always resort to the log-out feature! :-lol i swear i've never used it in anger, though.

    today, only coming onto my property with the intent to hurt someone i love will get me angry enough to hurt you. in fact, it will get you killed. that makes me a lousy pacifist, doesn't it?



    geeeeeez, i dislike being serious.............. jed

  10. Default RE: Cookie, I Think We've Earned A Humor Post From You

    would plywood manufacturers be de-laminated?

    fly inverted, the view is better!!.............. jed

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