A Conversation With The FSDeity

By Chip Barber
29 April 2008

OK, dig this. You know the twilight time, soon after your head hits the pillow but not quite before you start drooling on it? The surreal, floaty time when your thoughts seem to take form, and you (well, me anyway) find yourself seated in the left seat of some flight deck (there are stewardesses, too, but we won't go there). Let me describe to you an unsettling happening. The dialogue in bold is none other than the FSDeity:

(Brrriiiinggg... brrriiiiiing)

(muffled) Hello?

Chip?

Um Hmmmm

We need to talk.

Who is this?

I am He who creates all things of Flight Simulation.

Um Hmmmm. (I'm talking to Lou Betti?) I'm busy making drool puddles.

Does the Blue Screen of Death mean anything to you?

(sprightly) Howdy Boss, how goes it?

That's better. I notice you've got a couple of people who read what you write regarding my creations.

A "couple"? I was sort of hoping there'd be a little more than just a "couple".

(echo of thunder) You question me?

How may I help you, Sir?

Much better. I task you to provide my Commandments to my multitude of simmers.

I thought you said I have only a couple of readers?

(AOL "You've Got Mail") How'd you like to hear nothing but this from Air Traffic Control?

I'm all ears, Big Guy.

That may also be arranged...

So, after changing the sheets and pajama bottoms, I spent some time in quiet contemplation. And having reached the conclusion that not only have I met The Boss, but now also THE BOSS, and so I had best get my butt in gear and commit to paper some random thoughts and impressions:

1. Thou Shalt Know Thy Computer

A "no brainer". It is terribly silly to download/install payware and freeware without first knowing if your rig will gag on it. In this regard, I've found a teensy little utility called LookInMyPC, available here. This will tell you everything you need to know about your system, and then some. The utility gives you the opportunity of creating a report and either emailing it to who-knows-where (don't do that), or to simply print it out for future consideration. Once done, you'll be able to wax ad nauseum as to whether your video card is AGP or PCI, you'll be able to tell if the scenery after which you lust will bring your rig to its knees, or you to yours. You'll also be able to spot the appropriate direction to take when naughty thoughts of updating your rig appear.

2. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Fellow Simmer's Rig

Now, some of you guys and gals have it pretty sweet. You know who you are. Those with actual knobs and toggles and switches, a set up that, perhaps after one's fourth Molson or so could actually appear to be the flight deck of a Boeing. The triple screen thingy. The dots you paste on your head that make the screen move when you do (I still get nauseous just thinking about using it, and have one of those stickies stuck behind an ear). Those glorious rigs that really put you "there". Don't covet that. Don't swoon over the thought of yokes and rudder pedals and GoFlight hardware and Oh Dear God where is my charge card!?

3. Thou Shalt Not Contribute To Software Piracy

Another "no brainer". Do you recall the good old days? No, not when you could look down and see more than just a vast, hairy plain with the beginnings of a hole in it way out there on the far horizon. The days when the majority of the software we had was freeware. Who knew from piracy then? You want it, you got it. Free. No charge. Put-it-in-your-pocket-and-take-a-walk. Today, we're forced to pay for nav data, for crying out loud. Seems most of yesterday's heroes have followed the siren's song and now charge for their hard work. Know what? Good for them! Bad for those new to our hobby, but man, they gave so much, for so long, I for one think they deserve every nickel they can get! And what do you suppose kills that golden goose faster than that which passes through said goose? Friggin' software piracy. We've all seen the sites where such is available, and I imagine most have been tempted at one time or another, just as a fact finding mission, naturally. Well, we may all take those facts and shove them some place warm and dark. Piracy stinks! There is simply no excuse for taking that which does not belong to you, either directly or by purchase rights. Period. It's wrong, it kills the industry, it kills the development of our hobby and, well, it's just plain naughty. I don't do it, nobody I know and respect does it.

4. Thou Shalt Not Place Too Much Crap On Thy Rig

Oh boy, is this ever a biggie. I'm the poster boy for this one. Sure, you may buy to your heart's content (personally, I continue to strive to reach that point - haven't even come close yet, but I persevere), but sure as Visa appreciates our efforts, your rig will eventually sigh its last breath and collapse beneath the weight of all that FSJunk. And the cycle of delete/reinstall begins anew, along with vows of Spartan commitment to keeping FS a lean, mean flyin' machine. Sound familiar?

5. Thou Shalt Not Ridicule Noobs In Thy Forums

We've all been there. Think of them as nervous, pre-prom pimply faced kids filled with wide eyed wonder and expectation. The surest way to kill the enthusiasm of this kid is to ridicule him. Self aggrandizement at the expense of another is nothing more than mental masturbation, only with a cost. The cost is one less aficionado of our hobby. Noobs need nurturing, not derision. Were it not for some really, really cool guys who took the time to explain to me how things worked, I'd probably be writing "The Joys Of Your Joystick" in the Doom III forum. Cut 'em some slack, cause you never really know who will be contributing to our little world in the future.

6. Thou Shalt Enjoy Any Type Of Flying

Oh, I used to hate those PMDG pilot types! You know, the FSSnobs who question your parentage if you are not one of those who fly their sim, to their specs and satisfaction. "You mean you don't consider fuel burn during your flight? How gauche..." "Look everyone, here is a sim pilot who asks the purpose of the Recirculator Fan! How adorable! How deliciously low!" "You're posting a question about a .... default aircraft?" Look, if you like to fly the default C172, by all means do so. If firewalling the throttles in the default 737 and taking off with no flaps floats your boat, do it! If you're of the ilk that like to intentionally fly your bird into stationary objects, just keep it to yourself. Ignore those who feel the need to demonstrate their superiority by criticizing anyone who fails to fly "by the book". This little world of ours is, after all, a game of sorts, and as such is meant to be enjoyed. Fly upside down, land with the wheels up! If you like it, do it! Just have fun!

7. Thou Shalt Not Look Down Thy Nose At Those Who Do Not Follow Checklists

As above, there are those who simply cannot understand why anyone would wish to fly any simulated aircraft by anything other than federal standards. To you I say, have you ever tried a barrel role in a 747? A shocking consideration to those purists, I know. But once, just once, close the door, pre-flight your bird and do all that you do to go wheels up. Keep the seat belt signs on. And fly inverted. In a commercial carrier. Feels weird, doesn't it? But if you're lucky, this little exercise just may open up another avenue of options in your FSWorld. It just may help you to understand how it is that most of the people who purchase FS2004 or FSX or whatever will simply jump in, go high and either begin a long and expensive relationship with our hobby, or will crash and erase it from their hard drive. Either way, it's always good to get a broad view of the entirety of our world and those who dabble.

8. Thou Shalt Not Fly With Only Thine Keyboard

OK, we're not pilots. Well, some of us are, but for the most part, we're wannabes, to one extent or another. Me, I get all itchy just thinking about leaving el ground-o solid-o, if you know what I mean. So, I'm not really a wanna be. I'm a Damn-Glad-I'm-No-More-Than-A-Sim-Pilot. But, there are more than a few of us who lament our time spent in any number of our various vices rather than studying/practicing for our PPL. Just stop to consider how much beer money you've tossed down, and I suspect you may very well have piddled away at least one if not two (or more, for those more naughty of us) license course expenses. But even though we may not be or wanna be pilots, this is our hobby and jeepers, let's at least try to make it as real as it gets, huh? Flying with a keyboard is like putting ice in your beer. Just ... it isn't done. It's ... wrong. You can't ... do that. At the very least, defer that six pack and purchase a heap-o cheap-o joystick, and see if you don't like your flying experience better. Then go buy the six pack.

9. Thou Shalt Give Back To My Simming Community

Straight from THE BOSS. C'mon folks. We've all dipped into the well of freeware at one time or another. Giving back to the community may take a myriad of forms. Be kind in the forums to a noob, and give him/her some really sound advice. Share your know-how. Believe it or not, all we mutant flight simmers have got a ton of knowledge and experience that, while perhaps not lending itself to our creating cures for awful diseases or artwork that will outlive us, will really come in handy to someone new to our hobby. We're mostly an older, sedate bunch of simmers. New blood is good. If nothing else, it gives all of us something to chuckle about behind our hands when someone still can't find the FS9 config file, right?

10. Thou Shalt Create A Restore Point

Now, this may seem a little bit "out there", but trust me. After you've finished your flight, and it went well and you were happy with it from beginning to end, do yourself a huge favor. Take a moment to visit the System Restore of your machine, and create a restore point. The reason is simple. The next time you find some truly revolutionary piece of software and install it, and watch your flight simulator circling the drain thereafter, you will be supremely glad to be able to restore your machine to a point during which you were happy with it.

THE BOSS, being the verbose guy that he is, is certain to come up with more bits of FSFlotsam and Jetsam. Be assured I shall pass these on!

"Falcon zero two two with you at gate five niner with Foxtrot, request push and start".

(AOL "You've Got Mail")

Oh crap ...

Three Green!

Chip Barber
rfbarber2@verizon.net