Things I've Learned From Flight Simulation
By Chip Barber
6 February 2008
Not a damn thing.
Well, that's not quite true. Fact is, upon reflection, I'll have
to decide if we'd like to catalogue the list alphabetically or in
order of preference. I suppose I could start with the more "girthy"
things I've picked up along the way.
For one thing, our hobby ain't cheap. Let me tell you something,
boys and girls, if you find yourself being able to pay for a piece of
software from one of your favorite web sites and do not have to refer
to your charge card when it comes time to punch in all those numbers,
chances are better than good that you spend too damn much money on
your hobby. I swore up and down, the last time I dug myself into an
FSHole, that I would never, ever permit myself the indulgence of the
mindset of "A new piece of software a day keeps the doctor away...".
It may keep the doctor away, that is until The Boss gets the bill at
the end of the month, at which point it comes time for the
multi-trauma dressings and another visit to the local Emergency
Department. It is truly amazing just how much damage one may do to
oneself while attempting to appear busy on a ladder, hoping against
hope that a good gutter-cleaning will make up for some of the
crushing debt one has accumulated over the last four weeks. But no,
in my last pique of remorse I actually cancelled my Visa card. This
naturally led the kind hearted and well-meaning Visa people to send
another, this time with flowery letterhead and promises of lower
interest rates and the like. And damned if I haven't got the new
number memorized simply by repetition.
But on the plus side, I do have a really, really cool bunch of
stuff that is tacked up inside my little FSWorld. Sooner or later
there will be something else tacked up on the wall, I'm thinking.
This, naturally, brings me to my next revelation. Now, you may
wish to write this one down, and I believe it to be a "Universal
Truth" that bears remembering: It is more than possible to add too
much crap to Flight Simulator. The result of said adding of
crappola invariably results in diminution of performance, if not an
actual FSCatastrophe in which Flight Simulator actually sighs its
last breath and collapses inwards upon itself in a small cloud of
dust. This astonishing and not a little disturbing event results in
several things happening, generally within 24 hours of the initial
event. Swearing in various languages (some even made up on the spot,
and which also bear writing down for posterity's sake if nothing
else), deletion of FS2004, more swearing when you realize you've just
deleted a bunch of stuff that you probably should have copied first
and now you'll have to spend days if not weeks writing all those
self-deprecating emails to all those developers telling them what a
ninny you are for having deleted their work without saving it first,
and would they please please please be kind enough to send another?
And after this little slice of Heaven has played itself out,
reinstallation. That FS2004 root folder looks mighty empty, don't it?
And the aircraft folder? I heard an echo after my expletive deleted
having taken a peek inside that. Crickets. I heard crickets
chirping it was so empty.
Part and parcel to all this is the oh-so-awful realization that,
despite all the hard-earned cash that has been spent on add-ons and
enhancements and planes and scenery and maps and cool little freeware
buttons to open and close the cargo doors without the annoying race
to push SHIFT-E-1 (or is it 2?), that something, something has to go.
You're joking, right? These are my offspring! My FSChildren! I've
paid for these delights in blood (see above) and sweat and tears!
And you expect me to decide which one gets the old heave-ho? Oh
Solomon, where for art thou!? Where do I start?
Well, this is something else I've learned. There isn't anything
that you can do without if you want to fly badly enough, with the
possible exception of cool airport scenery and nifty aircraft. No
wait, strike that. See how insidious it is?? I mean, look. The
whole point of our obsession is that we like to fly, or at least
pretend to. We like to think of ourselves as the master of our
environment, regardless of whether said environment is earthbound or
not. We'd like to believe, in our heart of hearts, that we are
pilots. That we have already done so much sim-piloting that we've
damn well earned our PPL (what do you mean that we actually leave the
ground, Mr. Instructor??). Well, this just isn't the case. If you
wish badly enough to jump into the cockpit or flight deck or
whatever, and go from here to there with or without paying customers,
you can damn well do it with just what Bill Gates (was that Angelic
music I just heard?) provided to you when you bought the game. And,
doing it this way will give you performance that is smooth as glass
and at jaw dropping frame rates to boot! So yes, Virginia, there may
be a Santa Claus, but there isn't the need for all that add-on
software needed for you to realize your dream to fly. Live with
it.
There remain a few ubiquitous questions floating around our little
FSWorld that bear mentioning, as despite pages and pages of
speculation and learned and wise commentary from young and old alike,
we still don't have an answer. Perhaps the most grand of these is
... (actually, it's not that impressive so I'm just delaying a
little to play it up into something more than it really is)... can we
as competent flight sim pilots actually take over a real aircraft in
flight, and safely negotiate it back to where it is stationary and
still resembles an aircraft? I'll not even bother to offer an
opinion, as most certainly there will be those clamoring for a chance
to voice their opinion to the contrary. Honestly, I have no idea,
even though I like to tell all who will listen (Oh boy, here he goes
again) that I am perfectly capable of starting nearly any Boeing or
Airbus from cold and dark to engines running, to program in at least
a rudimentary fashion their flight management computers, and can
push/pull the throttles and so make the beast roar and move around.
This, of course, has yet to be proven and with any small amount of
good fortune, never will. I must say, however, that my daughter has
just earned her security pass for a local airport and has promised to
get me on board an idle aircraft. Just wait for the pics of me with
a big, dopey smile on my face sitting on a flight deck, and more than
likely a cordon of security personnel with weapons drawn just visible
through the wind screen, waiting for me to touch something.
Something else that comes up quite often is to be found in the
forums. Is this guy who has the grammatical skills of a fruit bat,
the spelling acumen of a bowling pin and the syntax of a box of
hammers on a good day really, really a pilot? Now, correct me if I'm
wrong, but in order to become a commercial pilot, you should be able
to read and write somewhere north of the "See Dick Run" skill set,
no? Certainly, you should have been able to have at least thumbed
through the manual on how to fire the engines without creating a
mushroom cloud and do more than just look at the cool pictures,
right? So how on earth do these guys think they can come into a
forum filled with more ways to spell "actually" than you ever thought
possible, and expect anyone to believe they can pilot anything other
than their finger towards their nose? Is it me?
And another thing that occurs to me from deep within my Purple Oxy
Haze: I'm beginning to think the developers out there are on to us.
They actually realize just how deep in our cups we fuzzy old flight
simmers truly are, just how enamored we've become of our hobby, and
they are taking advantage of us! The unmitigated gall! How dare ply
us with their intoxicating mix of jetways and ground textures and
other delights, all the while rubbing together grubby little hands in
eager anticipation of the influx of cash that is surely to come.
God, I love those guys!
The list goes on and on. Yet another reason for our delight at
playing this game of make-believe. Always something new and
different, a new bird to master, a new gauge to learn, a new manual
to print, a new cast and sutures from a new Resident who speaks
passable English and smells funny.
I am certain there are many more lessons I have learned, and have
yet to learn, by my hours spent before the yoke. Some subtle, some
obvious, some scar-rendering. But all contribute to the perpetuation
of our virtual, flight simming species. Who knows, in another few
years, perhaps technology will have progressed to the point where we
all board virtual aircraft and are whisked to our destinations in
precisely the same manner that we simmers do now. Finally, a return
on my FSInvestments!
Wouldn't that be a peach?
Three Green!
Chip Barber
rfbarber2@verizon.net
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