Imagine my surprise to find that despite the impression one gets by following forums, by all appearances the FS world is littered with sim pilots just like me. Not pilot wannabees, not those sneaky little boogers who advertise themselves as "Real World" (I do love that phrase) pilots, when in fact they either spend hours worrying about homework, acne and that funny nocturnal discharge, or are in their thirties and still living at home with Mom and Dad (not that there's anything wrong with that - in fact, I applaud their ability to finagle free living). Quite to the contrary, it seems I am at least in this sense of the word, a "Normal" flight simmer.

Now, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. I'm coming to realize that we're mostly a bunch of older guys (c'mon, when's the last time you looked down in the shower and actually saw your feet?) who like nothing better than sitting in front of a monitor with hands caressing the yoke (don't even), feet manipulating the pedals like some crazed organist in the flight simmer's cathedral, and checking desperately again the flap speeds that have been meticulously printed, cut and pasted onto the monitor. This is "normal"?

Let's be honest. Don't you feel just a teensy bit silly when your kid's 13 year old friends come by and catch you in mid-flight with the yoke bolted to the desk and the pedals underneath? At forty-something years of age (give or take a decade or two here and there), "Aren't there, like, more important things you should be doing, Mr. Barber?" Fighting fires, perhaps, or maybe stopping crime or curing awful diseases. Anything but spending time in front of a computer screen manipulating pixels into doing things at your whim and fancy. I actually got caught once by a pack of prepubescents while playing Doom III. That wasn't too bad, though, cause they all thought the gory stuff was way cool, and the only human interface device I was using at the time was a mouse. My yoke, joystick, rudder pedals, charts, headphones (with obligatory microphone attached just like "Real World" [just love that] pilots use), 3D glasses, Motion Tracking hat with little reflective thingys attached to the bill, were all mercifully tucked into a corner of the desk, with strategically placed papers over and around them. There is nothing worse than having a 13 year old kid catch you while crossing the final approach fix, seeing your concentration, and then looking at your son and have them both roll their eyes. Like I said, there must be something better for a grown up to be doing. Just ask any kid.

For better or for worse, we are what we are. Now, this doesn't mean that our zombie-eyed thousand-yard stare into our monitors is a bad thing. To the contrary, there are all sorts of benefits to the pursuit of our hobby. For one thing, it keeps us mentally sharp. It is a combination of eye/hand/feet coordination coupled with the mental gymnastics of a crosswind approach that tends to make one appreciative of situational awareness, to say nothing of beating the living hell out of the onset of organic brain syndrome. For another, it tends to keep us out of traffic and generally from being underfoot of The Bosses of the house. I am certain there are more than a handful of significant others who take great pleasure in our diversion, thanking the gods of Microsoft at the respite provided to them by said software developer. Yet another, which happens to pertain to yours truly, is that it prevents many of us from pursuing chores involving ladders and/or power tools. I have finally lost the ability to predict the name of the Emergency Room staff on call on any given day, now that my time is spent in pursuits involving only simulated elevation and RPM's. While virtually overflowing with good intention if not skill, my various attempts at anything involving creation, destruction, demolition, reconstruction and repair more often than not resulted in my kids learning new words, and a trip to the local ER.

I suppose that along with the good, there is the inevitable bad side of our hobby. For example, my complexion is a lovely shade of pale, having been deprived of sunlight to any significant degree. Of course, my dermatologist is not particularly pleased with this, as it reduces the number of interesting spots and bumps for him to shave, carve, biopsy and excise (although my orthopedist, knowing of my hobby, is even as we speak putting a down payment on a boat and warming up the tools he'll use to reduce what he believes will be my inevitable case of carpal tunnel syndrome). I have also noticed a rather strong inclination to answer in the affirmative with the term "Roger". Advancing years brings the double edged sword of a diminution of audible acuity, with the resultant phrase of "Say Again?" becoming a regular of my vocabulary. The other side of that sword (the dull side), of course, is the ability to ignore the crashing sound from the other room while attempting to engage the reversers once the nose wheels touch the concrete. And, while I'm not yet announcing to the family my intention to climb and maintain the second floor, I fear this is not too far removed.

I've also found myself becoming somewhat reclusive, favoring the mellifluous tones of Air Traffic Control to the droning-on's of those to be found at dinner parties and other such tedious exercises of social conformism. I have yet to be derogated by a controller for my political or religious views, although I did get bawled out last night for a delayed turn to three-zero-zero for traffic. Of course, the worst part of that was it was my own voice that was berating me for my lousy piloting skills. There is something deeply Freudian happening there, I'm sure. Maybe doing all these voice files wasn't such a good idea after all.

Despite this, I truly do believe counting oneself among the ranks of Flight Simulator Pilots is a predominantly good thing. I can't tell you how many septuagenarians have written to me expressing their love for the hobby, and crediting to no small degree their mental acuity on the constant learning of new procedures, techniques and skills necessary to navigate around our little world. Really, when you think about it, our hobby is a benign pastime when one considers what is out there. There are many alternatives to what we may accomplish in front of these machines, many of which may or may not be enhanced with the little blue pill (if you have to ask, you would neither understand nor appreciate). Besides, a flight lasts so much longer...

All things considered, being a Flight Simulator Pilot is a good thing, provided said pilot does not wander about in jacket, tie, epaulets and a Captain's hat. Doing so will certainly result in them increasing at least one of your medications, and while not without its merit, this will likely result in a diminution of your landing skills and a poor flight evaluation from one add-on or another. I suppose one benchmark in the long slow slide off the FS deep end is when one is concerned about such things.

I don't know about you, but I have every intention to continue flying, learning and generally just trying to stay ahead of the mental fuzzies. Of course, I'll keep the door locked, the curtains drawn and a sign out front that says "Gone Fishin'".

Three Green!

Chip Barber
rfbarber@optonline.net